Is Love Sex And Sex Love?

“Don’t you love me?” my boyfriend asked accusingly.

“I do, but I want to wait for marriage to have sex. I don’t want to be hurt anymore because I’ve given my body to another person who’s not my husband,” I answered sadly.

“I’m your boyfriend, we love each other, you shouldn’t think like that…”

That conversation continued on through several different occasions, and although my words were spoken differently they held the same conviction, and his resolve to have my body never wavered no matter how much I tried to get him to see the right side of things.

He told me he’d never hurt me, that he loved me, that sex would bring us together, not apart.

He said I was being foolish for thinking he’d abandon me once I gave him what he wanted. That I was overreacting, overthinking, and over-complicating things. But, in the end, after I gave him what he wanted and after I finally was convinced that I shouldn’t hold off on having sex because we did love each other, he left and immediately moved onto the next girl. But with his absence, he took along the shattered remnants of my body and heart with him and I was once again left this broken little girl just yearning for someone to truly love her for her character, not her body.

I can’t tell you how many different ways I’ve heard a guy try to convince me that sex before marriage was ok. He’d say:

“Don’t you love me?”

“I thought you wanted me.”

“This will bring us closer.”

“What’s the harm, it’s natural?”

“Don’t you believe that I’d never hurt you?”

“But, I love you…”

Those sad and familiar statements still echo in my mind like a broken record.

And each time I was deceived.

The strings of my heart were played as if each guy was skilled at wearing down and thinning the chords to get what he wanted, while I was left alone to pick myself back up again and recover the strands of myself they had rummaged through deep inside.

I bought into the belief that love is sex and sex is love.

No matter how often I was left in pieces, screaming in agony over a broken heart, and crying til’ there were no more tears left to spare, I believed this lie.

I was searching for intimacy in a relationship with someone that did not share my convictions about premarital sex.

So, what I want you to get out of this is this.

Check your heart and see where it lies. If you find yourself continuously giving into your boyfriend’s advances or succumbing to sexual temptation because you’ve fallen into the sex = love trap, then I strongly encourage you re-assess yourself and rebuild your convictions on the right foundation. If a guy tells you to ‘prove your love’ by having sex with him understand that he is only using you for the sex, not to get to know you better or possibly marry you. He’s just another self-centered person seeking self-satisfaction.

I kept hooking up with guys and getting into relationships I knew were doomed from the beginning just for attention, worth, and affirmation. I was still stuck in my old ways despite my rather weak convictions. I was still so incredibly broken. And the last time I had ever hooked up with a boy I remember running into my room, plopping onto my bed crying and feeling angry at myself because I didn’t hold close to my faith. I kept believing that giving in to sex was something that proved my love, but it wasn’t.

Once the physical act was over and all those feel-good and short-lived hormones faded away, I was left feeling more lost and confused than I was to begin with. Yes, I felt closer to the person I was with, but accompanying that closeness were feelings of confusion, insecurity, guilt, and desperation trying to fervently hold onto a person who was more interested in the physical aspect of our relationship than the emotional.

I kept searching for intimacy, hopping from one guy to the next with a false hope that, “This time will be it. This time I am going to find a relationship that will last with someone that will truly love me for me.”

But what I failed to see was that love is so much more than just sex. And sex doesn’t have to be given to find intimacy.

Our society has twisted God’s purpose and design for sex and based it completely on emotions. It tells us intimacy and love is getting naked with someone, and that sex is completely ok and normal with someone who is not your spouse.

But, right off the bat, there are flaws with this viewpoint because there is no guarantee that the deep emotional intimacy that everyone longs for will develop after having sex, and this can be deeply heartbreaking for girls because we are usually the ones who develop attachments and emotional bonds rather than the guy.

So, know this.

Sex is such a gift — but it’s a gift for a certain time… marriage.

Don’t allow your emotions or your boyfriend to convince that having sex will deepen your relationship because it really won’t. The longer it’s outside of God’s will the more you’ll feel a hint of guilt, experience a short-lived emotional closeness, and cut yourself off from finding true fulfillment, true intimacy and true purpose in life.

No amount of promises a guy tells you or how good he makes you feel about yourself is enough reason to have sex, not unless you both have made a solemn public vow, in front of God and a gathering of others, to love, honor.

Ashley, Southern California.

Founder,

His Wild Flower.